Let me tell you about addiction.
You are sitting in class and the teacher walks in. The banter of the weekend ceases and the purpose of school is initiated. As you watch the teacher write today’s lesson up on the board, you steal a glance at your friend in the row in front. They see you, and you snicker to yourselves about how he had earned his wages while on sick leave for his part time job, even though he had no proof of his illness, and was in fact with you at the beach.
Then you feel something on your leg. It feels like an insect, so you absently mindedly wipe it of. But it stay where it is. You have a look down, and see no insect. But the feeling remains. It is getting worse now, a whole colony of flies is using your leg as a landing platform, and they don’t want to leave.
So you start to jig your leg up and down, which bumps the desk repeatedly. You know people can hear you, and it is distracting you as well, since you can’t write while the desk is moving. But you still do it. Those flies will not make a nest in your leg, not while you have anything to say about it.
By now, the person sitting next to you turns to you in annoyance. “If you need to go, just go. Don’t need to shit your pants while there is a chance for escape.” you smile at them, and say you are fine. They look suspicious, but return to the work that they are doing.
Then another fly land on your hand. You whack it. Th sound reverberates around the class room, startling everyone. You are the centre of attention for a few seconds, but they feel like endless years under the gaze of everyone you know. It seems they are judging you, even though they already know you very well. You think to yourself how dare they judge me, and go to rise.
But your friend next to you stops you. “What’s wrong?” they ask. “You’ve gone whiter than normal.” Then they look down, and scream. They keep on screaming, and it echoes in your mind. You can’t handle this, so you punch them in the face. They fall of their chair, blood coming from the back of their head.
It is the that you see the reason for her screaming. In your effort to get the fly, you broke your finger. Not just broke it, snapped it clean in two. It dangles by a few nerves, which seem to not be working, since you cannot feel anything. You bring it up to your face and make it swing in a circle in front of you. You laugh at how strange it all is.
By now, the entire class is screaming, running for the door. The teacher is trying to keep everyone calm, but these efforts are in vain, as she is also trying to escape. You see this, and are abhorred by it. You have paid to be here. The least that the teacher can do is try to keep in control and not run away from you.
So you pick up a metal ruler. It feel good in your hand; cold, solid, certain. The flies on your legs must be what is scaring them. So you try to get rid of them by attacking them. Again and again, you hack at them. But it doesn’t stop. They just get worse and worse the more you poke them.
You hit something hard. You look down and see the ruler stuck in something white.
Then your friend that you punched hits you on the head with a table. The last thing you see is their face. It is covered in tears and blood, and is terrified of you.
When you wake up in hospital, you remember none of this. If it wasn’t for the fact you are in hospital, and the photo’s your friends have of it. You wouldn’t know about it. You are disgusted by yourself, and vow to force it from your memory the only way you know how to.
That is the lighter side of addiction.
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