But why not?

SAT 10 OCT 2009

08:40 HRS GMT +1

 

Trying to tear my hands away from a bag of Lays (or Walkers) salt and vinegar crisps towards this keypad seems like a chore. I hate drink, i hate drugs, i hate cigarettes, i hate junk food, i hate luring random guys into bed for a comfort fuck…although half the time its them carrying a very drunk me into their bed. I hate needing things outside of myself to make me feel normal or happy. Come on isn’t that what it’s really about? We convince ourselves we love these things, for many strange reasons, one being to feel like part of a collective…but we hate them. 

I’m just out of the shower after feeling the very strong need to wash away the wretched stench of B.O from the guy i just…half fucked. 

 

(Okay girl pack away the crisps or you’ll never get this off your chest. 

….last handful….okay their under the bed.

 

….no i lost my muse, out they come again.)

 

Before the shower i tried sleeping off the fact that i just walked out on a guy who pretended he didn’t wake up and hear me leave his bed, get dressed, look for my underpants, unlock his bedroom door and slam it behind me. All this after I copped out of sex half way through our endeavor by telling him i was too tired. Which was half true. I also told him he was too big for me and too sore…which was entirely true! I know thats something you guys probably don’t want to hear while you’re trying to come (however flattering it may be….) but what am i suppose to do? Take the pain? Seriously I don’t get it! Why are most of the men i fuck too big for me? Is it God’s revenge because I am not being chaste?

Well those of us out there who have at least half a brain know what religion is and should understand that when I say God, I don’t mean a vengeful, spiteful “man in the sky” with ridiculous rules and commandments….that is so out-dated and religion is obsolete. It’s pretty much common accepted knowledge now isn’t it? Well those who are reading this are probably well-read anyway. But when I say God I mean the universal power that animates all life, guides us, sends us signs as coincidences to let us know which direction to take next. Some may call it Karma, Source Energy, the Unified Field, ‘Collective’, ‘Higher’ or ‘All-Knowing’ Consciousness, the Universe or…’God’.

 

But anyway why do I do it? Why do I fuck random guys? Well to be brutally honest with myself, it’s a lack of my own self-esteem. In terms of this particular guy tonight, he was genuinely nice. Not the best looking, actually the first really chubby guy i’ve shagged (how shallow of me), but nice. He was really sweet. I felt safe with him, cared for, appreciated, admired, spoiled….wanted. What every girl wants. All the emotions that I never but should shower myself with. So why don’t I? 

Ego and lack of self-appreciation. Also, the world tells you not to be ‘full of yourself’. Society says ‘oh look at her she fucking loves herself!’. No one wants to be ‘that’ girl. The girl everyone talks about because basically they have no self-esteem themselves. Why do we care so much about what people say? People talk. People always have and always will talk. We know this. Everyone who has at least one little hang-up about themselves, bitches about someone else. Its our way of making ourselves feel better. Its our way of saying “well she has that so if I bring that to everyone’s attention hopefully they won’t notice what’s wrong with me”. When are we going to grow up…as a society and as a species? When are we going to start seeing ourselves as the other and the other as ourselves? When are we going to start loving ourselves for who we TRULY are. When are we going to see our inner-connectedness with everything and everyone. When are we going to start showing our true nature…love and compassion not anger, hatred, jealousy and greed.

But back to tonight; the underlying reason is the same reason with every guy. Okay i’ll admit that a lot of the time its so i can turn around the next day and say to my friends “I pulled that guy”. Even if I don’t (or can’t!) tell them about it, it’s still a self esteem thing. A personal little ego boost. But if I be completely honest with myself it’s because I’m secretly hoping that guy, the random guy I have chosen that night (and almost always chosen purely because of attractiveness), i’m hoping is the guy who i will wake up to the next morning to find staring at me with admiration. The guy who will tell me he loved watching me sleep and squeeze my body so tightly and so close to him in a way that feels like he will never let go. Someone to need me, someone to love me.

Now ladies, would I be right in saying there’s quite a few of us like this out there? Be honest. Who feels the same way? We’re hopeless romantics! 

But it’s pure insecurity. Looking for some guy to find something in me that I obviously can’t see. Some value in me to show me what is special about me….because I can’t see. If I could see it I wouldn’t need that random guy to show it to me.

So what is the universe or God or Karma saying to me? – “Eh hem….sorry to be watching in on the action but this ones gonna be sore too. I’m not going to let you enjoy this sexual experience because you are doing it for ALL the wrong reasons missy!” 

There does come a time when you meet someone, and it’s just right. Everything goes well and you are perfectly fine walking away the next morning without an ‘i’ll call you’, feeling satisfied and full-filled. I think this is when Karma is saying “okay nature calls, we do have our natural urges and needs too and girl, you’ve been holding out way too long!”

But there comes a time in a girl’s life when you need to take a step back and say “What’s it all for? Am i taking care of me right now?…Am I comfortable with myself, my needs, my desires?…Do I love myself?…and am I so complete with love that | am ready to share that love with someone else?” An excess of self-love to share with others…not a lack of self-love that you become needy of other peoples attention. 

I think the perfect relationship (of course quite hard to attain) is the relationship where you are so completely in acceptance of yourself and the other person, and they of you, that if your life paths lead you in different directions you will not sacrifice your path or ask the other to sacrifice their path in order to keep your relationship together. You will be grateful that your paths have brought you this far together and for the memories you have made, and rejoice in the fact that you now get to share this wonderful person with other people who will come into their future. 

……I don’t  know, I’ve never experienced that feeling. But I’d imagine this is the sort of non-redundant relationship anyone with a sane mind would try to aspire to. I do know that when I have finished with an item of clothing or some sort of thing that has served its time in my life experience, i’d rather pass it on to a charity shop or let someone less fortunate experience it rather than throw it away or cling to it dearly for ’sentimental’ or memorial reasons. Life is too short to cling on…to anything. Nothing lasts forever, all forms are unstable, impermanent…even us. Change is the only constant, we need to get that into our heads. The ego has us believing that we need to hold on to as many things as we can, lest we become ‘less’ without them. But we are exactly the same person/being now as we were when we came out of our mothers womb into this world – bare-naked with no belongings. Oh what joyous days they were before we weren’t weighed down by our learned ‘Self’. The irrational egoic thoughts such as name, nationality, skin colour, ‘my posession’, ‘my opinion’, ‘my school’, ‘my friends’, ‘my family’, ‘my MONEY’, ‘my Gucci bag’. Those thoughts separate us from our true selves, our true power, our true connection to our family – the human race, animals, plants, insects, water, the earth…LIFE itself; our family. These thoughts  are leading us to the destruction of the eco system and therefore the extinction of our species. The earth will heal itself after we’re gone, it has all the time in the world. We don’t. 

I think its time we smashed our mirrors, stopped listening to our heads, turned off our TV sets and started looking at the beauty around us. Appreciate the beautiful man, don’t try to possess him. Appreciate the beautiful flower, don’t pick it, leave it be. Appreciate the beautiful views, don’t capture it and hang it on a wall, make a conscious effort to try return to the same place and experience it again. See a packet of crisps, remember yes they taste nice, and move on. Be happy not jealous for other people and their successes, as they are your family, their successes are your successes. Practice going out sober and build natural self confidence instead of drug dependant confidence. (Yes alcohol is a drug, just a legal drug. ) Fully experience and perceive the music and the lighting at the club or rave…be fully present, let go of the thoughts in your head that tell you that you need drugs to enjoy the experience. It is only the constant stream of thoughts themselves that tell you that you need the drugs, that actually hinder your enjoyment of the experience. It’s only the stream of thoughts that tell you that you are self-conscious, that make you feel uncomfortable. If you think you need a drink at the weekend to ‘unwind’ or relax, try climbing a mountain, painting a picture, going for a walk, doing something that requires your full attention. For it is the feeling of aliveness we are missing in our lives, mostly because we are stuck inside our offices, our sitting rooms, our cinemas, our TV’s….our heads. This feeling of aliveness is what alcohol and drugs imitate. There are much more healthier ways to attain this feeling. Healthier for body, mind AND soul. 

 

So I know all this. Do i listen to my own advice? I try to but I am not perfect either, the thought process called the ‘ego’ is a tricky character. And I still like to just give in to its whims, since it always puts up a good argument. But when I do give in, i will try to remember to accept it and enjoy it. This is what I have chosen now in this moment, I may as well honour it. I won’t listen to the egos complaints on how I’ve slipped up. I won’t let it create another reason for me to stay trapped in negative, useless thoughts and therefore create another reason for me to look outside of myself to find something to make me feel better. I am perfect in my imperfection. I am light and love and I love myself.

So why do i do these things i hate? Fun? Rather ego-perceived fun. But all i can do is be mindful. 

 

Remember; Tomorrow is a new day, and this moment is a new moment as always.

Stay present. Just for Now.