Math with a Moral

Assume a twelve-inch dick is sticking right out of your forehead. Just how much of it can you see? Since this is a cultural blog, I expect that many readers will be hesitant as to exactly how one might set up this equation. And maybe a few will ask, “Is this culturally relevant?” Let me express that it is my sincere hope that, while neither you or I really know the cultural relevance of this post, by the time I have finished, I will seamlessly suture this profound question to our glorious culture, with all or most of the pertinent quotes from both the Old and New Testament. And don’t bother with clever things like the angle of the dangle in trying to answer the question. To do so would miss the point. The answer is simple. You can’t see shit. This is because you have two huge balls hanging right in front of your face. Are you starting to sense the moral here? In chapter nine of the Gospel of John, a man who, blind from birth, is healed by Jesus. Jesus says a bunch of really sweet shit such as, “’As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.’ When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes the of the blind man with the clay.” Of course, some say that it was not spittle in the dust, but rather LSD. We read that, like most everybody else who Jesus tried to “turn on”, the guy blabs to everyone and the Pharisees get hip. Jesus is then accused of blasphemy (a real trick). By the way, this is a complete digression, but did you know that the Honorable Senator Sam Brownback, who is soon to be our governor, anoints himself with unctuous oils before he casts votes and holds committee meetings? Is that not creepy as fuck? And he supports the wanton gang raping of females working for defense contractors (cf. http://www.republicansforrape.org/). Anyway folks, the analogy I’m trying to draw here is that, here we are in the middle of this Babylonian shit-storm, but we don’t realize it, because we can’t see shit. Just like when your significant other was fucking every man, woman and child in the district, you will be the last one to know that you got a big dick on your forehead. It’s truly a parable for our times. Consider Fake Patty’s day. The Lord expressly forbids it. Open your books to Isaiah, chapter five, where the practice of getting up early to drink is addressed by the Lord God Almighty: “Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning, that they may follow strong drink; that continue until night, till wine inflame them! And the harp, and viol, the tabret, and pipe, and wine, are in their feasts: but they regard not the work of the Lord, neither consider the operation of his hands.” Just think people; He’s got the WHOLE WORLD in His hands. What, I ask you, is in the hands of idolaters, fornicators, and carousers? It’s like one of those really gross key chains that the creepy-ass gas station attendant (no offense) hands you, only the key is to the gates of Satan’s gas station unisex restroom, replete with all manner of lascivious latex products. The situation is getting absolutely out of hand. Even bats are beginning to behave in immoral, lustful and debauched ways. They’re performing acts of fellatio! (http://www.treehugger.com/files/2009/10/chinese-fruit-bats-engage-in-unusual-sexual-behavior.php?dcitc=th_rss) “The foxes have their holes, and the birds of the air have their nests. But the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” Meanwhile, we’re running out of comfortable places to lay our heads. We’re less like Jesus here, and more like Pinocchio. For we are liars, and the father of our lies is none other than that old dragon, Satan. But of course, I’m hopeful. In fact, I have more than hope—I have faith! Just think about the most obviously hallucinogenic drug-inspired book of the Bible (and my personal favorite), Apocalypsis de Iohanni (The Revelation of St. John). In perhaps the most glaring reference to LSD consumption in the whole Holy Bible, the Angel gives John a book (a whole stack of blotter!). “And he gave it me and said, eat. And I ate. And it was sweet like honey in my mouth, but bitter in my stomach.”  Poor guy! After that, the angel gives him a tape measure and tells him to measure the temple. A word of advice to all you gung-ho psychonauts: never do that to your friends who have just consumed psychedelic drugs. It will confuse them, and the measurements of the temple will most likely have inaccuracies. Of course, this was all going on at a jazz concert, with an angelic trumpet septet, so it’s really no wonder that John started freakin’ out, ‘cause those horns were fuckin’ hot and the cats playin’, well, they was all fucked up too. Can you imagine trying to measure the temple with a head full of acid while not one but seven Miles Davis’ are getting up with it? And then out come seven more vials of acid? That’s when things get really fucked up. And think, good people: this is how we’re to be saved. This is how we remove the dicks (analogous, at this point, to the trappings of the ego, and culture with a lower-case ‘c’) from our foreheads. Think of the Revelation of St. John as step-by-step instructions for dedicking. What’s next? You should read all the details for yourself (especially if you haven’t lately, because otherwise few of these jokes will make any sense at all), but the long and short of it is that shit gets crazy, the Beast 666 comes up out of the pit, talking a bunch of shit. So Jesus, who looks like some crazy seven-horned goat to poor John at this point, whoops Satan’s ass and knocks his dick in the dirt. Good guy gets the girl (in this case, all of us repentant sinners are his bride), and we all live happily ever after, alright? So fucking chill. Of course—and this is just a minor point or a side note, or whatever, but I’ve always found it interesting what John says at the very end of the book, after it talks about how we’re all going to be brides of Jesus. John, probably not quite back to normal yet, seems to feel a little inadequate after contemplating the idea of Jesus consummating this heavenly marriage with everybody, probably all at the same time. He writes, “He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly.”