Incredibly, these 2 guys weren't the least bit high when this was shot.
Okay, so here’s the deal. I’m going to be honest with you, because I like you. I work at a convenience store. More like an inconvenience store, but it’s only a temporary inconvenience. I will pretend it doesn’t bother me for the time being. I guess if it’s good enough for Kevin Smith, then it’s good enough for me and if the Goonies ‘R’ Good Enough for Cyndi Lauper, then I suppose they’re good enough for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Again, surprisingly not high. Except for Josh Brolin. He was probably high.
I could write blog upon blog upon screenplay upon book upon suicide note about all the crazy/annoying shit that happens on a nightly basis at the living hell that is my workplace, but for the purpose of this entry, I will stick to just one of the things that annoys me about my job. It’s something that has bothered me for a long time, but being a clerk has kind of put the microscope on it that much more often.
I hate t-shirts that glorify pot smoking.
This is one of the better ones and I still couldn't see myself wearing it.
I don’t give a shit if you smoke pot. I used to smoke pot. Most of us have. It’s not a big deal. And that’s exactly why you don’t need to announce to the world that you do so by wearing a silly t-shirt–usually one of those oh so funny ones that uses a famous brand name and/or logo and replaces it with a word or a pot leaf that lets everyone know just how edgy you are. McDoobies? Pot Milk? Marijuana-Mart? Weed Thins? Sativa Night Live? All so brilliant. Ugh. Do we really need more proof that marijuana destroys your brain cells with the delicacy of Hitler? I mean, c’mon. You don’t think the people that make these shirts are straight edge, do you? Are you even reading this right now, or are you riding a flying liger to Jupiter? Snap out of it, Smokey. Nobody gives a shit about your “hobby”. I don’t really care about the glorifying pot part so much. I just hate stupid t-shirts.
If I had to guess, in Hawaii (my home state) alone, I’d say 2/3 of people, if not more, smoke the sticky icky at least occasionally. I’d be willing to bet that as many people smoke pot in Hawaii as listen to Bob Marley. (By the way, on a side note, Bob Marley shirts have just about jumped the iron lion shark in Zion, too. Certain Bob shirts can slide, like the awesome one I got for 4 bucks on eBay that’s very understated and also features Bunny Livingston and Peter (McIn)Tosh, which makes it way cooler and far more authentic than the average BM garment. But most of the shirts featuring the undisputed legend are gaudy and disposable. {Oh shit. Now I fear that any heavy pot smokers reading this post will try to put their shirts down a garbage disposal. I don’t have the patience to explain to them what I mean by “disposable”. Just die instead.} Case in point: somebody walked in wearing a shitty Bob Marley tee the other day and my co-worker immediately knew which store the dirty hippie had purchased {or bartered for some “wicked rad, totally mellow, but still organic incense, bro” and/or awesome homemade bracelets “made with love”} the shirt/future cum rag from. Lawda mercy.) And pretty much everybody in Hawaii listens to Bob Marley. I swear to Jah.
Stop. You'll never be as cool as these guys. Just get over it.
There was a time when smoking pot was a pretty cool thing. Back when stoner films such as Up In Smoke may as well have been dubbed in Russian, because your parents had no idea what the hell everyone was talking about. But nowadays, even your mom smokes buddha. The soccer dad next door puffs that la. Your algebra teacher from high school dabbles in the dro. Even though I have no personal problem with smoking weed, it’s actually become a much cooler thing to say that you don’t smoke it. It’s just become too fucking popular. And yet I see a handful of customers enter my living nightmare clad in sparkly t-shirts proclaiming their profound love for all things pakalolo on a daily basis. (Pakalolo is the Hawaiian word for “marijuana”, which is funny because “lolo” means stupid. It literally translates to “the plant that makes you a complete dumbass when you smoke it…oh, and you’ll probably want to get some Cheetos while you’re at it. Those things are amazing. Did you hear an echo?”)
Vampire Weekend: Proof that awesome music can be made by guys who are not high on drugs or their own egos.
The only things that feel really cool to me anymore are things that are totally basic, but not very popular, or obscure parts of semi-popular things or obscure things in general that are only popular among really cool people, or the occasional popular thing that just so happens to be super awesome (see: Vampire Weekend). Marijuana doesn’t fall into any of those categories. Coming into 7-Eleven at 2 in the morning and staring at snacks for 15 minutes is not cool and neither is smoking pot. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s not cool either. It’s just a thing. A very popular thing. And we don’t feel the need to wear shirts that tell people we love those other really popular things.
So much better than pot.
That’s the best argument I can think of. It’s very simple. Pot has become as mainstream as alcohol. Even though marijuana is a specific type of drug, it’s still somehow super basic. It’s like a shirt saying “Drugs”. No one wears shirts saying “alcohol”. I don’t think Jack Daniels shirts are particularly cool either, but even those are cooler than an Ed Hardy ripoff shirt that instead says “Dred Party” and features a picture of a spliff that’s big enough to make Cheech & Chong comatose. Wearing a shirt that tells the world you love pot is like wearing a shirt telling people that you enjoy eating food. I would think that was stupid, too and I fucking love food! Wearing a shirt with a pot leaf on it is like wearing a shirt with a slice of meatloaf on it. (If you like meatloaf)
Not high. Just borderline criminally insane. But in a good way.
I’m wearing a Dunder Mifflin shirt right now, so I reserve the right to tell you how idiotic you look wearing a marijuana-hyping parody shirt. In my day, we just smoked pot. We didn’t talk about it. The coolest thing about it was how awesome it made Pink Floyd and Type O Negative sound. We didn’t need shirts. We had conversations. And music. And conversations about music. We didn’t talk about the pot or tell people we smoked pot. We’d just smoke it and then do stuff that was actually awesome, or stuff that would be normally really boring unless you were smoking pot.
Quiksta. He smokes the bombudd.
I will say one thing though, in defense of pot-ularizing marijuana: For some reason it still sounds cool (sometimes) when (some) people sing about smoking pot. It has worked wonders for DJ Quik, People Under the Stairs, Tom Petty and countless others. But talking about it ad nauseam, or wearing a hat or shirt em-blaze-oned with a pot logo or homage is played out like Cross Colours. It would be cooler to wear a shirt paying homage to heroin, cocaine or pcp at this point. And much bolder, too. Saying you smoke pot is about as edgy as admitting to downloading music illegally. Actually, that would be a lot edgier in 2010.
You don't NEED pot to enjoy Cpt. Beefheart, but it don't hurt.
Ah yes. Your sweet little Mary Jane used to be there whenever you needed a good time. She was fun and innocent. She’d come over every now and then and wouldn’t get too clingy. She smelled so sweet and always felt so good on your lips. With each breath you took in her presence, you’d fall more in love. But now Mary Jane is far too available and has spread herself way too thin. She’s the popular chick now. The skanky one. When you invite her over everyday, she becomes a problem. Not to mention the fact that she’s hanging out with everyone you know. Mary Jane is a slut now. She’s not something you wear as a badge of honor. She’s become a guilty pleasure. Smoking pot is like listening to the Backstreet Boys, or eating Pop Tarts for “dinner”. I would say she’s a “dark, dirty secret”, but there’s nothing secret about it anymore, which is why you should take those shirts off and burn them. If they’re made out of hemp, enjoy the sweet aromas and throw on some Captain Beefheart. Then put on a tie-dyed t-shirt instead. Even those are cooler than shirts about weed. Especially if it’s dyed with the blood of Cheech and the urine of Chong. Let your freak flag fly like a gay pride bumper sticker. Just don’t do it while wearing one of those silly t-shirts. It’s time to grow up there, Sparky.
Those days have gone up in smoke.
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