So, healthcare reform passed and I decided that the angry, old, white men in my area had to have something right. I mean, they are like American heroes. Right?
Representing the red, WHITE and blue!
In order to get a better perspective, I decided to head to most socially regressive state I know: Arizona.
I hopped into my old model Chevrolet (that’s American enough to blend in. Right?) and headed to my destination. Entering Arizona was really obvious; the sun seemed to get 100 degrees hotter and the sweltering, black road seemed to be caressing my wheels in an abusive relationship (One false move and it’ll pop them, but they won’t leave it, they know it loves them!). I parked a block away from the state capital building and got out to experience the atmosphere that is Arizona. The atmosphere was fucking on fire! After one step on the sidewalk I collapsed from the heat and lost consciousness.
Hours later, I awoke to the gentle face of a man with long, black hair and strange garb. He smiled gently and I took stock of my surroundings. I appeared to be in some sort of space shuttle; the small capsule shaped aluminum craft had many foreign artifacts all over the walls. No man could fathom what each of these strange devices were capable of.
“Hello, visitor…” I spoke calmy and looked the creature in the eyes trying to imply that I meant no harm and that maybe we could go hang out at the bar sometime.
“What?” he replied seeming very lost.
“You have strayed far from your home planet!” I asserted hoping to fill him in.
“Dude, I think the sun fried this guy’s brains.” he laughed toward another creature I had not previously noticed. Did they have invisibility cloaks?
AHHH!!!! ALIEN!!!
“I would love to explore then sexually, culturally and environmentally ravage your home land but I have some serious journalism stuff to get to.” I informed them, standing and heading for the hatch. They stared blankly at me as I fumbled with their locking mechanism and ultimately fell down their stairs and began wandering back toward the city. The aliens were conversing about whether or not they should’ve given me the special tea. But, I was already too far away to care.
The sun shone brightly on my back which was a good thing I guess. Boy scout manuals didn’t have enough nudity to keep my pubescent mind interested.
Pornmaster Pornberto Pornstar?
Soon, the dry desert landscape began to change. It seemed brighter and more significant. Clues to our existance lingered on the whispering wind and the tip of every saguaro spine. The sand flowed like an ocean and rattled like a snake. Wait, what was that? I spun toward the rattling sound and was confronted by a mountainous figure.
“Seth Meadows.” it spoke vacantly and raspy. Then a bright light emminated from the figure’s black robe.
“The card says his name is Seth Meadows and he is some kind of ‘reportoir”
Seth Meadows, Reportoir
“I think he’s coming to!” Another voice echoed outside of my head.
“WHY DON’T YOU ALIENS JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!?!” I screamed at the men in lab coats.
“Sir, you have been wandering around Phoenix drunk on dangerously high amounts of peyote tea and rattlesnake venom.”
“I’ve got a snake for you! In my pants!” I said defiantly at the man.
“We know, you ran out of pockets and started stuffing them in your underwear.”
“We need your insurance information, sir.” a chirpy, blonde nurse spoke up.
“Insurance? I don’t buy into that scam. I pay with cash (read: stolen goods/unwanted sexual favors)!”
“Sir, you don’t have any money in your wallet.” she replied, tilting my large rupee bag upside down to illustrate the sad reality that Internet writers only make fictional money and then blow it all on moonshine ingredients.
Fucking showoff!
“Well, we can arrange something else.” I said winking at the now horrified woman.
“It doesn’t matter. Money or not, you don’t have insurance. That’s a crime now.” Said a doctor, destracting me from flirting with the nurse. She seemed relieved that the racially charged dirty talk had stopped.
“What?” I stammered
“It’s part of the new healthcare reform. Every citizen has to have health insurance or face fines.”
“Oh, well, allow me to—” were the last words anyone in the hospital heard. So, now I’m on the run in Mexico. Also, got some decent medical care here. They give me all the pain killers I can eat. I guess America has become the new Canada. We had better learn Spanish. I already have it down a little.
“Yo tengo herpes! Muchos herpes!”
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